SUBLIME SPIRIT: Find your Green

The weather has gotten cold and gray again, perhaps it’s what has dampened my spirits. I found myself staring at a small crumpled candy wrapper here at work, which I must tell you, has been sitting under my desk since the first day I colonized this cubicle. It’s sitting in one corner close to the base of the divider and is well beyond my reach unless I try to curl up under the desk hopefully successful enough to squish the belly flat (tough feat…). Secretly though, I want to see how long it’s going to keep sitting there without getting vacuumed off by the cleaning lady who comes here twice a week. 2 years? 5 years? Let’s see. So far…today is Day 318. I’m not joking! And OGK how long it has been sitting there prior to my reign. That, folks, together with how many times in a day I will get electric-shocked by touching a paper clip (the bzzzk punctuated by a thhhkk! ---have you ever had one of those?) so far takes over my mind when there aren’t interesting things to think about.

Maybe I shouldn’t even write today. Aside from utter nonsense leaking out of my brain, my heart is leaking out depressing stuff. My supervisor’s dad just passed away, and so she had to leave today and will be out the rest of next week. She was talking to me about my health concerns yesterday when I had to take a half-day off for a doctor’s appointment. But that’s another issue. While we were at the subject of health, she shared that her dad was very sick and she needed to fly back home to see him before he got any worse. Apparently, she never made it to his sick bed. Boy was I praying so hard last night she would. Her dad passed away before she made tonight’s flight.

Work has gotten pretty slow, as if in total sympathy to the grim atmosphere around here.

And then my health issues. I had some minor health scares recently which pushed me to make the trip to the doctor’s, finally. It’s just scary when you’re faced with your own health threats. Sort of like rubbing it on your face that you’re not Wonder Woman (though I wish I was!), nor will I live forever, while at the same time you’ve got people around you with so much faith that you can be both no matter what. *SIGH* A bit disheartening, ain’t it?

It’s true that like attracts like. And while I’m at rolling this growing snowball of depressive thoughts, might as well pee it all in one go. I’m exposed to the internet everyday at work. And so in between bona fide work, I surf. I don’t know why today, of all days, I come across photos, blogs, literature and other media forms that remind me of things I don't have and I wish I do… a smiling toddler or two in my arms (mine), a warm, small, simple but cozy, neat and tidy home in our name, with a picket fence and a dog in the yard heeheehee (will the California real estate situation please make it easy to afford a house already!), having my parents close to me (I miss them not because they are not here for me…but because I’m not there for them---that breaks my heart everyday), maybe a higher paying job or a fatter paycheck, I wish I pursued the thought of being a nurse...or a doctor which I kind of wanted but never acknowledged and which I knew I was capable of, and other trivial things such as , believe it or not, wanting to have my very own Christmas Tree with my own handpicked ornaments. What's with this self-pity drama going on. It's the heavy rain outside, I bet!! I guess it really depends on your emotional temperature. If I was happy, I would be gleefully tuning out stimuli that make my emotions do a nose-dive. Instead, I would unconsciously spot happy things that bring only happy thoughts. You attract what you think. So it boils down to one tried and tested way of changing the song: play the changing perspectives track.

Maybe it truly is the insatiable characteristic of human nature, to always seek what we don't have and not see what is within our grasp. We always think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But once we hop on to the other side, we see that it is the same kind of green, perhaps even browner, we just didn't have a chance to look closer and zoom in to the details. More often than not, we would even want to go back to where we've always been.

There might still be a lot of things that other people have which my heart still desires. But just a week ago, hubby surprised me with a BMW parked outside. It’s a '93 granite-silver two-door 325 champ, and it’s mine. I have a wonderful husband who takes care of me, pampers me with everything his side jobs can afford, feeds me like there is no tomorrow (uh...elgk!), someone who is proud of me and protects me like I'm the world's greatest treasure ever found, stands up for me and supports me in everything that I do. Aside from that, I have friends and family that keep me close. I have nice housemates who are willing to break bread with me anytime (...or ketchup or mustard or mayonnaise...), or give my laundry another cycle in the dryer if it's still damp. I do have a wonderful job that touches people's lives while keeping me stress-free and letting me spend a decent amount of time with hubby and family. We don't have really fat savings yet but we're able to tuck away enough regularly for a rainy day -- and some occasional splurges. AND! I think I'm beautiful enough, inside and out. PLUS!!! I'm going to Philippines soon to visit my parents and my sister, family and friends. So woohoo! I do am blessed a hundredfold! I have a lot to thank God for. I am abundant with basic needs and beyond other people don't even have!

So while at one point or another I would catch myself wishing I'm in other people-with-better-lives' shoes, I'm pretty sure a lot of people are dying to be in mine. And it doesn't stop there. I'm sure, a lot people would die for a chance to live the lives of people who, on the other hand, would want to drop their current situation in exchange for a taste of my life.

From whining to being grateful. Neato! Have you counted your blessings yet? There are many less fortunate people in all aspects (marriage and other relationships, friendships, family, finances, health and even basic needs) who are yearning to be in your shoes. While we are unfortunate in some aspects, we are gifted in some. And while some people are unfortunate in aspects we are blessed in, they can be lucky in those we're not. The truth is, we really can't have everything. Whoever programmed that in our heads is