For the first time in my whole life, I felt heartbreak like no other, and grief that makes me hurt everywhere. I felt so devastated, helpless, scared...
For the first time in my whole life, I felt so weak and powerless. There was no way out. For the first time, I couldn't see rainbows. No bright side, no silver linings...just a place of darkness and a lot of pain.
For the first time in my whole life, I cannot put words together to express how I feel.
November 17, 2006, the doctor couldn't find my baby's heartbeat. He was gone and I didn't even feel it happening. He was just there laying perfectly still in my tummy. How could you go without saying goodbye?
They induced me for labor and on November 18, 2006, I delivered Cody Francis. He said hello to us at 5 months old, 9 3/4 inches...but it was also goodbye. We were almost there, sweetie.
Our Cody will never see the world like other babies would. He lay lifeless in my hands in a baby blankie, so cute and tiny. He was a dream come true because every part of his face looked a lot like my hubby, who took us in his arms sobbing and weeping like a little boy.
We just lost our most prized possession...The baby boy we looked forward to and were so excited about. Right now, I just can't begin to tell how painful that feels. They said no one will ever understand, unless they went through the same kind of loss...the loss of a child, the fruit of our love, not just any other family member.
I appreciate all the love and the support we've been given. But right now, it's not yet about me being young or having another one right away, nor about us having an angel up there now. Not just yet. For now, this is just about Cody. Our little Cody. I feel so crushed and sorry he will never have a chance to blow his candle on his first birthday party...or see when the Christmas lights are up, or play on the little league or go trick or treating with mommy and daddy.
For the first time in my life, encouraging words do not help me. Just say a prayer for me and Al. This is our journey that no one can ever cut short. We are so lost in our grief we don't even have space for asking God why, so much more make sense of everything for now.
WE WILL PULL THROUGH, but please let us take our time to weep too...
13 comments:
my heart goes out to you and al. i may not know how you both feel nor met you as a couple, but my heart goes out to you with love and prayers.
carine, rocky & i mourn with you on this trying time… be strong
i can only offer a hug my dear loving sister… i’ll be with you on your silence because it is how you’ll speak with Cody…my dear gorgeous nephew!!! my prayers for you and Al and my nephew Cody
i am deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your precious Cody…may God give you and alred strength and courage to face this difficult time..
my prayers for both of you and your precious son cody (an added angel to god’s kingdom). may you find comfort, strength and healing in god.
May Cody be the angel that will watch over you from this day on.
As i read your blog, my scar was torn open and i cried. I lost my twins last year at 3 months.
I know how you feel Clarisse. And right now, i’m praying for you and your family.
I’m so sorry,Clarisse…
my prayers for both of you, may our loving god give you strength and comfort.
i am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little boy. my heart really goes to you, i can’t help but cry. i know how you feel for i also lost my first baby at 10 weeks two years ago. time will come the pain will be bearable and the time will come too when you know you are ready to have another baby. i am praying for you and aldred. be stong for one another….
my tears suddenly runs when i read this.
my prayers for you both.
i also cried after reading what you wrote. gosh, don’t know how and why did it happen. i had a miscarriage then, more or less, somehow, i know how it feels. got to read your blogs only now. anyways, how are you? be strong. be strong for yourself and your husband. my prayers are with you. god bless. take care.
hi ayisse,
am so sorry for your loss. God must have loved Cody so much that He took him away too early so that he will no longer suffer any pain…
it’s difficult to comfort someone who have lost a loved one. because no matter what other people say, the pain is so deep, it’s like you’ve lost half of your life in a nick of time.
i am very sorry that it took a while before i can extend my condolences to you and your husband. it brought back some memories…. i guess like you, i lost my mom in an instant without a chance for me to say goodbye and say that i love her before she died. and i remember no matter how my relatives and friends comfort me.. i seemed like a rock, no comforting words can get through but i guess God loves us too.
in my case, when i lost my dad and my mom, God gave me a brand new family who loves me dearly … thank God, God gave me Lisa and her big loving and caring family..
I guess when God closes the door, He opens not only the windows but also the roof for alot of blessings and good things to happen in our lives.
over time, i realized that my mom’s death couldn’t have happen in such a perfect time… she just had a retreat a week before she died, she was partying with her friends the whole week, my very trusted uncle just came from the province the night before she died, my ninang got to know that one of my tita is a maxicare accredited dietician who in turn informed maxicare about my mom’s death, she died the way she like - sudden from heart attack, i was in cebu far from her - otherwise i could have probably went out of my mind… the timing was perfect, if there is such a thing as perfect death….death, like life works in mysterious ways….
i know that Cody is happy where he is and that he stands over you and your husband, guarding you every moment of your life.
in time, God will allow us to take a peek or give us a eureka moment on why He allowed certain things in our life to happen…. God’s wisdom is really amazing….
i can’t say that time heals everything because there are times that i still cry over my mom’s death even after 14 years, i guess it’s called unfinished business… but i know that time made me appreciate life more than the usual ….gave me strength….gave me my soulmate wife….gave me my wonderful dotting daughters…. gave me a very happy, meaningful and worthwhile life…..
i wish you and aldred the same happiness in life inspite of some life changing moments….. i pray that God will give you both a renewed spirit and strength to cope up with your loss ….and to continue living your life happily as Cody would want it to be …..and moving on…..God bless.
Thank you, Oskie. Thanks for your thoughts. I remember it so vividly when they told you to come back home from Cebu. We were there at work when you arrived. And I didn’t know what to say or do the moment you came into the office and was smiling ear to ear, waving with joy to our cubicle and really happy to see us again, not knowing what they were about to tell you. That was one of the worst moments for me. But you know what? It makes me happy to see the pictures of your brand new family now…your cute daughters, and Lisa. It’s true what they say that when God closes a door, he opens a window. Cheers to LIFE!
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