Downtown

I've been too bored lately. Hecka bored. So I went to the city yesterday. There are so many things I like about going downtown so much.  It keeps me sane.  It's the citygirl in me.  I dress up and go around, window-shopping, people-watching.  There was a phase when going to the city made me feel like a tourist.  The smell of the streets, the aroma of coffee hovering around the little coffee shops, the backdoor kitchen smells of restaurants, the diversity of the people, the hustle and bustle...they have always reminded me of how my senses felt like more than ten years ago when I visited San Francisco for the very first time as a tourist.  Now, I still run after that sensation and headrush sometimes but I don't know if it's a good thing or not, I'm beginning to feel more and more like a local each passing day. I don't take as much pictures anymore. And I ain't lost no more.  I know where my feet will take me.  It's not bad I guess, I still get little surprises here and there anyways.  Beautiful!  Exactly how I like it.

Downtown SF is an escape for me.  I find time for myself, walking by the places I love, enjoying my solitude.  It keeps me together.  I visit my favorite bookstore and linger there for as long as I want. Yesterday, I had Teriyaki Salmon on a bed of garlic mashed potatoes for lunch. The city makes me not think about some hurts, pains and worries. Yesterday, my head was bursting to its seams with thoughts that make one uneasy. There's this job I want so bad and waiting for their callback on my application is an agony. I want to have a job now.  I'm aching to fulfill another purpose soon.  And before boredom begins to claim me as his bestfriend.  And yes, I still think about the baby I lost...it's like a weird skin rash that you hide underneath a shirt, you forget about it until another itch episode catches you offguard.    Then, my small Brady Bunch family is about to embark in a different stage, with my two sisters getting married soon. I'm worried about my parents. And who will be there for them.  I'm so far away.  And they're getting old and sickly.  Just recently, something health-threatening is hanging like a dagger above our heads again. Here it goes again.  I wish I can shut off my thoughts, and feelings. 

That's why downtown SF keeps me sane.  I am able to go away for a while. It's my small means of escape....Until my mom texted me yesterday to ask if she can call.  I made her call my celphone.  I was on the couch in front of Bloomingdale's.  I wanted to talk to her. No, I wanted her to talk to me! She needed that.  I miss her and I love her, and I wish I can be there for her everytime she needs me. Just like how it was before.  No, she's not imposing that I come back.  She's in fact trying her best to pull through without me, or anyone, in her bravest self, knowing that this is how life is...accepting the reality that I have my own life to pursue now and it happens to be thousands of miles away. That rips my heart apart.  I feel so sorry for my mom, and my dad. They did all their best to take care of me. And now, I can't be there for them. But maybe that's how life is.  I don't know! I wish I knew the answers.  My hubby is here. And I like my life here too. And we're starting our own family. Oh I feel that my heart is at two places at one time, or maybe even three.

That's why I use downtown SF to squash these unpleasant feelings down.  Until my mom's call.  I realized you can't really escape from anything.  You can't escape life, because you are life itself. 

PS. Aldred knew I was sad.  He picked me up from the mall after he got off from work, we had a huge garlic crabs and mussels dinner at Stinking Rose.  We downed a pitcher of beer (almost), walked around, we snooped around the condo landslide spot downtown-- scary!  We ran across the busy streets (but not beyond the police tapes), laughed, panted and coughed, and laughed, panted and coughed.  I still love the city. And Aldred.  They keep me sane.