Frozen

         So I’m really back in the swing of things. I don’t know why I should even make a big deal out of this; I was not gone for eons! But I’m psychotic. LOL. Anyway, last night was hula night. I finally made it. I missed it for two weeks since I got here because the first week: I was sick (real sick) and the second week: I was lazy (a different kind of sick). My middle has gotten so thick (read: fat) that I wasn’t sure if I was fit enough to kaholo. Excuses…

          So I finally dragged myself to the studio last night. I was being a little depressive anyway; I did need a dose of endorphins. It didn’t take long for me to catch up. They did a show while I was gone anyway, so I didn’t miss much…just rehearsals and not a lot of new dances. But they were already starting on the “implement” dance and the other wahines already have their implements and I don’t. I had to dance holding imaginary implements. It’s funny. I felt like a little kid whose parents forgot to send her favorite toy for Show and Tell. Well, in this area, I am my own parent now. I’ll be ordering those a little at a time. Boy, they are expensive! http://www.alohahulasupply.com

         Speaking of parents, I’ve been thinking about them too much lately. I guess that’s why I have been feeling very low. I got married and moved here. The second one followed suit. And now that my youngest sister’s wedding is over, she’s moving with her hubby to his job assignment abroad as well. Reality sets in. My mom had been crying to me (one time saying “wawa mommy, wawa daddy”. My dad, well, he tries to heal his sadness by doing creative things…but I bet he’s lonely just as much. There’s no denying that it seems like we have deserted them one at a time although we never really intended to. I didn’t really intend to. Why would I? But life simply unfolded on its own, a big part of it not being a product of choice. But still, we could have changed some major choices. I could have chosen to stay back home. (But that would have meant turning my back on Aldred---how’s that???). I wish I knew that my other sisters won’t be able to stay eventually. But that’s too selfish of me for thinking they would stay. They have their own love, happiness, dreams and life to pursue. Just like me.

         I’ve been mulling over this since I got back from Philippines. My parents are still strong, but not without challenges to health here and there. Eventually, they will grow older. They will need us more and more --- running the household, maintaining the house(s), going with them on medical check-ups, running errands or just being there to talk to at the end of the day, walking with them and making sure they are alright. But who will be there? In my heart, I really can’t close my eyes to their every emotional and physical need. I can’t shut the door to every knock. But I also can’t travel at every whim. Last night, Aldred brought home my favorite burrito for dinner because it was my hula night. It reminded me how simple but very happy we are. Very happy. But somehow, my happiness doesn’t sit well in the same scheme where my parents aren’t happy. I’m so torn I think I’ll go crazy sometimes. Other people seem to find it easy, perhaps they don’t have as much great family memories to keep. But I can’t judge. Perhaps, they have other reasons.  Financially too, our family is quite comfortable and with a relatively good chance to survive despite a dwindling economy (hopefully) so we were not raised nor groomed to seek greener pastures elsewhere that required air or sea transport as soon as we were launched into the professional arena.  Dynamics-wise, our family isn’t perfect and not without flaw like the occasional psychological games some TV soaps are made of. BUT compared to other units, ours is definitely close to ideal in the happiness spectrum. We’re so way up there, I know it. How could one walk away?

        So maybe, it’s really just about squashing down other feelings in favor of some as one grows older. Still, it doesn’t sit right. I’ve been praying so hard about this. The Bible teaches that marriage is an intimate union. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two will become one flesh" (Mark 10:7-8) . When you marry, you leave your parents and bond with your spouse. A totally new, intimate union is formed; this union between one man and one woman is meant to last a lifetime. Yesterday, a line in 90210 (yes, the Beverly Hills series!) struck me so timely. Donna’s father said “You’re old enough to stop worrying about your mother and start thinking about your own life”. Is that God responding to my incessant cries? It makes healthy sense. But I guess, in my culture, it still doesn’t fully absolve me. My mom stayed and took care of my grandmother. She was hoping one of us can follow suit. But with the direction my choices have gone, it doesn’t seem to be in the picture just yet. But who knows. I wish I can take care of them. I envy those who are blessed with this opportunity. It could be a struggle I know but it's a blessing nonetheless. No, my parents are NOT demanding from us. In fact, my parents have selflessly let us go…despite their sorrow and feelings of insecurity in their hearts about their own future. With our visits, I hope they see it more as a glass half-full, not half-empty. But then again, that’s a lame way to forcefully adjust their perspective at this point.

        I have great dreams about my own family now. I can’t wait to buy our own place, and we’re getting closer and closer to that dream. I can’t wait to have babies. I can’t wait to travel more. I can’t wait to achieve other promising things with my hubby in the future. I can’t wait, yet in the same breath, I want to freeze time. I wish I can freeze time so my parents will stay young, able and strong forever. If I can keep this scenario at status quo: me being here, them being there, phone calls and some visits to suffice, that would be perfect. But not possible. Am I selfish? What am I so worried about? Am I worried about my parents or am I worried about me? About making eventual sacrifices or going through painful emotional processes here and there. Or maybe I’m worried about them going through those? Or am I just being consumed by guilt and/or succumbing to a guilt trip? Am I trying to carry too much imaginary load on my shoulders again? Maybe I should try to trust my parents more about having the ability and wisdom to transcend through this stage? Am I forgetting to let God direct my movie? Maybe all of the above? This love is so positive yet convoluted. I wish I knew the answers or at least how to numb their feelings and/or my feelings about eventual answers. All I know is, I wish I can be there for them. And I wish I can be here with my husband. I like my life here too. My independence, my freedom, the way of life. I love it. I wish I can be at two places at one time. Help me, I am not a bad child. And I’m trying to be the best wife (and mom) there is. But I’ll be there when and where I’m needed. Promise.

          Lord, I'm lifting up this blog to you. Please direct my movie. But if I can request one thing for the mean time, please let it be a fantasy movie...where I wear a hula skirt that transports me to two places at one time and a tiare on my right ear that gives me the superpowers to freeze time...for a loooooong time.