Tell me why do seagulls cry?

         I’m back from lunch. Actually, I replace my lunch with 30-minute walks now by the bay.  This time it’s for real. I eat my sandwich on either my 10am or 3pm coffee break. If that doesn’t work for my body, at least it will work for my sanity.  It was nice out there today.  The breeze wasn’t too cold although the sun on the way back got too hot on my face.  I’ll bring a hat next time.  There were small bursts of scented flowers in the air, in between whiffs of sea water, wet grass, and yes, jackrabbit “pellets”.

        I walked all the way to my favorite tree, which is always my turning point. The ocean was so calm, there was a single duck (or was that a seagull?) floating by the shore.  Probably the same little guy I saw yesterday.  He seemed oblivious to the world while the rest of his flock were flying smoothly like kites on the sky.  I admire him for that, he seemed to be enjoying his solitude.  I could hear the rest of the seagulls cry.  I could see the city across the bay.  The skyline was foggy but visible.  The bay bridge looked like it was lifted out from a faded photograph. And there seemed like a translucent veil between the mountains and me.

        Suddenly I felt sad as I slipped out of the blue into some serious thought, mulling over a painful part of my life. With everything that I got going in my life right now, it’s like the aspiration of becoming a mom just keeps being pushed further and further away into the back burner.  I am currently trapped in a loop of daily bliss and bustle, which I truthfully enjoy.  I’m getting quite content with my routine right now you can almost see some pregnant selfishness emanating.  I still want a baby, yes, but the thought hurts me so I tend to shun away from it and keep it at bay. Am I truly ready? Perhaps that is not even the appropriate question.  Where has all the looking forward gone? Maybe this is some kind of helpless surrender. Or grudge. A chip on my shoulder. I can’t define it.  It’s not the feeling of refusing to have my own baby per se, but the daunting thought of losing another one. 

        God will make all things beautiful in HIS time, in his terms.  I looked ahead.  The mountains were disappearing into the horizon. Please don’t let my heart disappear with them.

        Til next time.