Random Thoughts the Morning After

...It's not the first monday that I'm left at home by myself...not even the first day that I'm by my lonesome since Cody left......It rained last night......I love the drizzle but I hate the puddle......it's sad that Cody will never know what the rain feels like on his face......(but maybe up there in heaven now, he knows how things feel like more than I will ever know on earth)......well, so far, my life goes on......I sit comfortably on our queen-sized bed, with fresh manicure and pedicure from the other day when Aldred took me out for some spa pampering......I sincerely thought that things were going to be far worse than they actually are......I'm back to my senses......well, too soon to totally forget the sad memories and too early not to feel any pain with each remembrance......surprisingly, I am not as depressed as I thought I'd be......

If there is anything to thank God for...it is having family and friends close (even in spirit), who keep my candle burning......my heart beating despite the gloom......everyone close to me know that I hate it when people feel sorry for me (big time!), or made a big fuss over me and my feelings (which more often are severely exaggerated)...or when people simply talked about me...or when they thought they knew better...I guess it's the pride (and my incomprehensible thirst for privacy at times)......this time though, everyone's words of sympathy made me feel so much better......I realized I have always been used to being the sounding board and source of strength for many that I feel extremely uncomfortable being the receiver of all the concern......it truthfully is a great humbling blessing for me, I finally let myself be the little helpless wet puppy who at last, opened up and willingly basked in people's attention and words of comfort (this can actually drive one pretty spoiled)......I felt finally at home when their hearts went out to us......Thank you, Lord, for all that......

Another thing to thank God for is walking through this journey with Aldred, who willingly showed his grief with tears sans the male pride......somehow, the agony becomes lighter and it makes moving forward easier......we have already gone through a quick phase mulling over the silent guilt with each nagging "what if" that we secretly asked ourselves......what if it was my fault? what if it was your fault? what if we could have done something earlier to prevent Cody from dying? what if we had more time to rest and not get Cody too tired? what if we didn't take a long car ride? what if I didn't sleep too much on my right side, what if the pregnancy had been only one miracle and blessing that we should have taken more care of as soon as it was granted and so on and so forth......it finally stopped when we finally verbalized it, much more so like a seething volcano finally erupting, with me bawling and hitting his back with a baby pillow as he hid himself under the comforters......that was our catalyst of peace ......we are a team as we always have been, now we are back to speaking boldly of our thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes and dreams......hugging each other tight, resting in the thought that we actually did our best and dozing off in each other's arms......The other night, he laid down with Cody's blankie on his cheek, closed his eyes and said "I miss my Utoy"......the pain is still there, like occasional thorns that you accidentally brush upon as you walk amongst rose bushes......but we manage to sleep soundly anyway (too soundly we wake each other up with our snoring)......there is still a lot of things to laugh about......we breezed through Thanksgiving with flying colors......eating and socializing......thank God we are a team, we talk it over......sometimes over wine......or sharing a stick of smoke in the backyard, the head rush that it brings we save only for truly the most stressful of times......(and we are almost done with all these emotional anesthesia as well!)......last night, he munched on chocolate-coated sunflower seeds while installing a new shelf from Ikea......I drank flat Pepsi with melted ice in style from a wine glass, watching him flex his muscles through the sleeves of his white t-shirt (oh how appealing Cody probably would have been as well, had he gotten a chance to get older) ......when all the work was done, he said he was happy......I said the shelf was balanced......then we lit an apple-scented candle and prayed the rosary together for Cody (I never thought he got all that actually memorized in his head)......

......and if there is truly something I am really proud about myself......it is the resilience that God blessed me with......and that I am hardly ever a drama queen......I think nothing can really pull a hopeful and faithful spirit down......Cody will forever be in our hearts......and I am so thankful and happy that I have been able to write about my pregnancy with him and how proud I was about him in my journal and blogs, not knowing then that it was one of the final things I would be able to do for him as a mommy......no more hugs, no watching developmental milestones, no baby kisses......but only the sweetest of words, the expression of the most grateful and proudest feelings, and the fondest memories of my pregnancy to remember him by......his kicks, his hiccups, his sonogram images......He still remains to be our miracle of miracles, the purpose of whom is still too unfathomable......

Some say that sadness is a sign of resentment to God's will......I can't seem to subscribe to the same belief......we are not without grief......I guess it will take time, we are only humans......but I see sadness as an instrument to be closer to God and make relationships (with God, my spouse, family and friends) even more meaningful and better than ever......

and now, the day after the rain...the morning after...we have enough space to reflect about many things......but there are no "why's"......yes, we have had our share of "what ifs" about our capabilities within human limitations......but questioning the Divine Will is not even there......not even on the bottom of the list......

......and hopeful for a bigger family with more kids and pregnancies that actually push through in the years to come, we remain......