Crowning Glory (or Worry???)

My hair. My friggin' long, hard and straight broom-style or maybe corn-husky-almost-as-limp-as-an-old-toilet-mop hair. Hahaha.  Funny how at one breath I think about my little Cody and worry about my hairstyle on the next. Sounds promising now, do we!

Hmmm...I'm thinking. It's about time I cut it shorter than how I usually sported it. I think I've been watching Rachael Ray too much.  I so want her hair (plus maybe a little highlight here and there---not bad)! Well, not that there's anything grand about her hair.  It's casual, it's fluffy, it's bouncy, it's done YET looks undone.  I just feel like it will suit me (yeah right...ahuh-huh?). Well, if I can't cook as fast and neat as her, might as well have hair like hers!

But we know how deceiving these celebrity hairstyles could get. They got stylists strutting about, sprayin'-blowdryin-hotroddin'-and even hypnotizin' their crowning glories wherever they went! Like some years back, I wanted the other "Rachel" hair (Jennifer Aniston in FRIENDS?) I stepped out of the salon with hair like hers alright, but wait until the next shower, man...then Goodbye, celebrity feeling and Hello, floor mop --- oh I mean, welcome back!

Anyhoo, what's with me and this Rachel thing. Not too long ago, I worshipped my cousin Rachel's layered hair with caramel high and low lights, it's awesome! *shrug* (Hi, Rae!)

Aldred brushes my long locks sometimes. I'm a wash and wear girl. Maybe I should train him an extra mile farther into this whole hairstyling shebang so I can keep up with all them Rachels. Let's see how this one will turn out this time.  I'll keep you posted.

 

Random Thoughts the Morning After

...It's not the first monday that I'm left at home by myself...not even the first day that I'm by my lonesome since Cody left......It rained last night......I love the drizzle but I hate the puddle......it's sad that Cody will never know what the rain feels like on his face......(but maybe up there in heaven now, he knows how things feel like more than I will ever know on earth)......well, so far, my life goes on......I sit comfortably on our queen-sized bed, with fresh manicure and pedicure from the other day when Aldred took me out for some spa pampering......I sincerely thought that things were going to be far worse than they actually are......I'm back to my senses......well, too soon to totally forget the sad memories and too early not to feel any pain with each remembrance......surprisingly, I am not as depressed as I thought I'd be......

If there is anything to thank God for...it is having family and friends close (even in spirit), who keep my candle burning......my heart beating despite the gloom......everyone close to me know that I hate it when people feel sorry for me (big time!), or made a big fuss over me and my feelings (which more often are severely exaggerated)...or when people simply talked about me...or when they thought they knew better...I guess it's the pride (and my incomprehensible thirst for privacy at times)......this time though, everyone's words of sympathy made me feel so much better......I realized I have always been used to being the sounding board and source of strength for many that I feel extremely uncomfortable being the receiver of all the concern......it truthfully is a great humbling blessing for me, I finally let myself be the little helpless wet puppy who at last, opened up and willingly basked in people's attention and words of comfort (this can actually drive one pretty spoiled)......I felt finally at home when their hearts went out to us......Thank you, Lord, for all that......

Another thing to thank God for is walking through this journey with Aldred, who willingly showed his grief with tears sans the male pride......somehow, the agony becomes lighter and it makes moving forward easier......we have already gone through a quick phase mulling over the silent guilt with each nagging "what if" that we secretly asked ourselves......what if it was my fault? what if it was your fault? what if we could have done something earlier to prevent Cody from dying? what if we had more time to rest and not get Cody too tired? what if we didn't take a long car ride? what if I didn't sleep too much on my right side, what if the pregnancy had been only one miracle and blessing that we should have taken more care of as soon as it was granted and so on and so forth......it finally stopped when we finally verbalized it, much more so like a seething volcano finally erupting, with me bawling and hitting his back with a baby pillow as he hid himself under the comforters......that was our catalyst of peace ......we are a team as we always have been, now we are back to speaking boldly of our thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes and dreams......hugging each other tight, resting in the thought that we actually did our best and dozing off in each other's arms......The other night, he laid down with Cody's blankie on his cheek, closed his eyes and said "I miss my Utoy"......the pain is still there, like occasional thorns that you accidentally brush upon as you walk amongst rose bushes......but we manage to sleep soundly anyway (too soundly we wake each other up with our snoring)......there is still a lot of things to laugh about......we breezed through Thanksgiving with flying colors......eating and socializing......thank God we are a team, we talk it over......sometimes over wine......or sharing a stick of smoke in the backyard, the head rush that it brings we save only for truly the most stressful of times......(and we are almost done with all these emotional anesthesia as well!)......last night, he munched on chocolate-coated sunflower seeds while installing a new shelf from Ikea......I drank flat Pepsi with melted ice in style from a wine glass, watching him flex his muscles through the sleeves of his white t-shirt (oh how appealing Cody probably would have been as well, had he gotten a chance to get older) ......when all the work was done, he said he was happy......I said the shelf was balanced......then we lit an apple-scented candle and prayed the rosary together for Cody (I never thought he got all that actually memorized in his head)......

......and if there is truly something I am really proud about myself......it is the resilience that God blessed me with......and that I am hardly ever a drama queen......I think nothing can really pull a hopeful and faithful spirit down......Cody will forever be in our hearts......and I am so thankful and happy that I have been able to write about my pregnancy with him and how proud I was about him in my journal and blogs, not knowing then that it was one of the final things I would be able to do for him as a mommy......no more hugs, no watching developmental milestones, no baby kisses......but only the sweetest of words, the expression of the most grateful and proudest feelings, and the fondest memories of my pregnancy to remember him by......his kicks, his hiccups, his sonogram images......He still remains to be our miracle of miracles, the purpose of whom is still too unfathomable......

Some say that sadness is a sign of resentment to God's will......I can't seem to subscribe to the same belief......we are not without grief......I guess it will take time, we are only humans......but I see sadness as an instrument to be closer to God and make relationships (with God, my spouse, family and friends) even more meaningful and better than ever......

and now, the day after the rain...the morning after...we have enough space to reflect about many things......but there are no "why's"......yes, we have had our share of "what ifs" about our capabilities within human limitations......but questioning the Divine Will is not even there......not even on the bottom of the list......

......and hopeful for a bigger family with more kids and pregnancies that actually push through in the years to come, we remain......

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong -doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART OF MY LIFE.

PRAYER:
May today there be peace within me. May I trust God that I am exactly where I am meant to be. May I not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May I use those gifts that I have received, and pass on the love that has been given to me. May I be content knowing that I am a child of God. Let His presence settle into my bones, and allow my soul the freedom to sing, dance, and to bask in the sun. It is there for each and every one of us.

Source: http://www.steeldog.com/reasonseasonlifetime.htm

When Hello Means Goodbye

For the first time in my whole life, I felt heartbreak like no other, and grief that makes me hurt everywhere. I felt so devastated, helpless, scared...

For the first time in my whole life, I felt so weak and powerless.  There was no way out.  For the first time, I couldn't see rainbows.  No bright side, no silver linings...just a place of darkness and a lot of pain.

For the first time in my whole life, I cannot put words together to express how I feel.

November 17, 2006, the doctor couldn't find my baby's heartbeat.  He was gone and I didn't even feel it happening.  He was just there laying perfectly still in my tummy.  How could you go without saying goodbye?

They induced me for labor and on November 18, 2006, I delivered Cody Francis.  He said hello to us at 5 months old, 9 3/4 inches...but it was also goodbye. We were almost there, sweetie.

Our Cody will never see the world like other babies would.  He lay lifeless in my hands in a baby blankie, so cute and tiny. He was a dream come true because every part of his face looked a lot like my hubby, who took us in his arms sobbing and weeping like a little boy. 

We just lost our most prized possession...The baby boy we looked forward to and were so excited about.  Right now, I just can't begin to tell how painful that feels.  They said no one will ever understand, unless they went through the same kind of loss...the loss of a child, the fruit of our love, not just any other family member. 

I appreciate all the love and the support we've been given.  But right now, it's not yet about me being young or having another one right away, nor about us having an angel up there now.  Not just yet.  For now, this is just about Cody.  Our little Cody.  I feel so crushed and sorry he will never have a chance to blow his candle on his first birthday party...or see when the Christmas lights are up, or play on the little league or go trick or treating with mommy and daddy.

For the first time in my life, encouraging words do not help me.  Just say a prayer for me and Al.  This is our journey that no one can ever cut short. We are so lost in our grief we don't even have space for asking God why, so much more make sense of everything for now.

WE WILL PULL THROUGH, but please let us take our time to weep too...

Is it Time Yet?

It is easy to get hungry on a Saturday morning for us.  But this is still the day I always look forward to like a little kid ("yehey ilang tulog na lang!"...something like that).  Hubby doesn't work on weekends and we sleep in.  We shut the light out with the blinds and it would look like 4am even after the sun has shone brightly outside and people have started their usual weekend hustle and bustle.  It's funny.  Sometimes I wake up ahead and see him still snoring.  Or sometimes, he does first and messes with me, pinches my nose or plays with my face.  Then we both wake up and instead of saying hello, good morning, something sweet (or sour, as the case may be), one of us for sure is going to say..."IS IT TIME YET?"

It's a hunting frenzy for the remote control, which is anywhere within our sheets or under the bed.  If it's before 11am, we try to sweep through and be entertained with programs we don't even focus on.  5 minutes to 11 and you see us smiling at each other, tuning in to one of the only two Filipino programs we get on a Saturday morning (sorry, no TFC). We watch "Maalaala Mo Kaya? (MMK)". Yes! That drama special based on real life stories.  Al, who can barely comprehend tagalog dialogues fully, beats me at reacting to the scenes, and truly has a ball at seeing me cry over some, at times. How easily replays can ruin our party...

This is the best part of our Saturday morning routine (even puts some luv-loving aside sometimes, waaaaah!).  This show is beautiful --perhaps because it's not a mere product of one's imagination-- and it richly possesses colors drawn from personal experiences, and provides threads of inspiration, no less.  I like it, yet, I must admit it is not something I would probably sit down or make time for at any given day. It might be something I would sneak in between commercials of Oprah, Tyra or Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals if schedule doesn't permit. Or something I would watch only if I accidentally see it on.

Yet, MMK helps make my Saturdays turn hunger into a place of comfort, security, contentment and love.  It paves the way for some couple time -- playing, cuddling, spooning and snuggling (or maybe it's the other way around?).  No matter what, hubby calls it "Hug Wifey Time", and indeed makes the most out of it. 

I do get hungry (getting up past lunch time is tough for a preggy-wifey!), but I learned how to be ready for it and squirrel away a drink, some crackers and even caramel candy on my side table the night before to make me last.

I love my Saturday mornings.

Trick or Treat and other Treats

         Last Halloween was a trip.  I didn't just bring our nephews and nieces trick or treating with my sisters-in-law, I WENT TRICK OR TREATING MYSELF!!! Hell, yeah! I told myself, next year I'll be pushing a stroller with a clueless 7-month old baby suffocating in one of those furry costumes and collecting candy that he can't probably even eat yet, the heck...I'll have a trip this year! Halloween has always been one of my favorite occasions anyway, this being a day I have always been excited about for some reason. (I must have really been a druid princess in my past life because "All Hallow's Eve" or "Samhain" has always, always, always felt so familiar to me...I'm serious!!!)  Plus, I'm the kind of person who delights in doing crazy things just for the heck of it so I won't have so much regrets in my life.  So this halloween was a ceremonial (and actually long overdue) goodbye to Clarisse's solo adventures (hmmm, maybe).  I can't wait to share my life and adventures with my baby next year and in the years to come. Poor thing, I bet he'll be dragged to do outrageous stuff with this hot momma.

        And so I went. I have always dressed up as a witch in the past Halloween parties I've been to (told'ya!) and this was my first time to don on a different get up.  Since it was a spur-of-the-moment decision, I managed to pull off a vain attempt to look scary in a black widow-inspired look with a black veil (which I used for the Papal Audience in Rome early this year) and a lit brass candelabra that I bought from an antique fair supposedly to send to my parents back home. Some said it was pretty intense.  To me, I simply seemed to have walked straight out of a Pinoy Regal Shocker movie.  HAHAHA. <>> Well, thank God for big middle schoolers and highschool kids, I sort of blended in with them -- or at least that's how I imagined it to be. The treat-givers always asked "Wow, what are you supposed to be?". Come to think of it, I looked more like me trying hard to pretend as a big-boned and chubby (or young pregnant) high-schooler dressed up in an old person costume, but thank God for the veil and the white face powder that hid the wrinkles, hahaha. The difficult challenge was to chirp out a high-pitched "Trick or Treeeaaaaat!", I sounded more like the wicked witch of the west than a cute teenager. It was such a trip! But I had stashed quite a loot for myself...freebies to tide me over during unholy hours of pregnant hunger, yaha! And the great part is, as always, spending fun time with the kids.  That is always priceless to me.

        But the best part yet is having done a different experience once again.  Trick or Treating at 33, with a 19-week old baby in my tummy, rock on!!!

        Well, I can scratch that off my list now.  This halloween didn't just bring me fun and candy treats.  It offered me some other good treats too:   the opportunity for another adventure to reminisce someday and the chance to live out little crazy dreams...the kind that make each day worth looking forward to, each memory worth looking back to, and my whole life worth living.

WHAT'S ON YOUR LITTLE CRAZY DREAMS LIST?

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I've been getting a lot of feedback lately on my blog, I would appreciate it this time if you share your stuff with me, and for others to read as well. So...what's on your list? Let me share my top 20 wild or serious ones (my list goes on actually):

1. Sing and dance in a concert a la J-Lo (with matching earpiece and mic)...yeah, right! but I did something pretty close to that at last year's dance recital, but sing??? Who knows...

2.  Meet Tiger Woods in person, shake his hand, take a pic with him and talk to him (and come home with an autograph)

3.  Win a target shooting competition (or at least participate in one)...I shoot soda cans with my airsoft gun in the backyard...does that count?

4. Be a barrista at Starbucks (and master all that coffee-stuff)

5.  Write and publish my own book OR books (and hopefully get Oprah to endorse 'em, weehee!!!)

6.  Hold a one-man show art exhibit of my paintings and sketches

7.  Play in the rain as an adult (ooops, I did that already when I was 28).  This time, bathe naked under the full moon in the middle of an open field.

8. Speak a little French.

9.  See the Celtic Castles in Europe with Al and touch the rocks of Stonehenge...and yes, meet a real druid.

10.  Have my own complete bar at home or at least learn a lot of cocktail mixing and bartending stunts.

12. Take figure-skating lessons or adult ballet, some hula or master a hot salsa number with my hubby, woohoo!!!

13.  Buy my hubby a Rolex Yachtmaster watch (I wish, I wish...)

14. Get a real tattoo on my left lower back almost sinking halfway down the knicker line (that fairy on a moon that I have always wanted since my 28th birthday)

15. Play the drums (Mahal? Can I have my own drumMania video set for Christmas, the big arcade kind? hehehe *joke*)

16. Volunteer in a kick-ass mission a la Laura Croft or the Tomb Raider.

17. Watch Criss Angel and David Blaine in person and learn a trick or two from them

18. Get married in Reno or Vegas, just for kicks (Al wants to do it too, maybe on our anniversary?)

19. Be an orphan's long-term mentor about life and living

20. Fly