Hanging Up

Hanging Up is one of my favorite movies. I remember crying buckets as I related to Meg Ryan's character, one of three sisters who had varied personalities, lifestyles and views about the world and life.  They had different coping mechanisms and approaches to living.  In a nutshell, she was holding it all together, keeping all the balls up in the air, and was quite engulfed by some kind of messianic complex especially when it involves her sisters and family.  At some point, it was the movie of my life. I owned it. And I learned a lot from it. It's about realizing that it's not a sin to "hang up" (like on the phone) when things get too overwhelming, especially when other people don't (or can't for some reasons) cooperate. It preserves you.

On my birthday, my cousin gave me a DVD of the movie and I kept saying how I resonate to Meg's sentiments.  And she said, "I don't see you as her, I see you as her sister."

Good point.  I'm not her.  Anymore.  Yes, back then when the movie came out, that was the movie of my life.  I learned a lot from it.  And because of it, learned to hang up. I have evolved as all people do.  We change through the years, adjusting our sails according to the winds of our experiences. Sometimes, we come out weaker, sometimes, stronger.  And what we are now is different from what we still will be.  It's a mix of choices and consequences. And it's a lifelong process.

Through the years, I have evolved. In fact, I think I've overdone it.  I still cried watching the movie years after, but more over the recollection of that feeling from the past --invoking old thoughts and emotions to surface, and not from the recognition of it's parallelism to my present. Maybe I have been burnt out too much before. I've actually learned the skill of closing my lines pretty well when I need to protect or collect myself.  And I'm not sure if it's good or bad now.  It's kind of selfish sometimes.  Have I closed a gate that I shouldn't have? Have I turned into a dense monster now?  But one thing I know, I'm a lot saner now. Less neurotic actually. And there's less drama in my life.  It's all a joyful ride despite bumps and potholes.  Loving my family with a healthy mind and heart, accepting my limitations while exhausting my capabilities, coping with the physical distance from them with a big sense of adventure and passion for living, embracing each moment with grace and acceptance of God's will, and touching people now as a whole person, and in a happy and cheerful way.  Well, as long as I don't keep overdoing it...I mean the hanging up part.  Please keep reminding me.

Holiday Rush

That's about it!  I'm done with Christmas shopping, mailing my cards (weeks ago), cleaning up, doing the laundry, finalizing our schedule from Christmas eve til Christmas night, and calling my family back home.  I'm done wrapping all the presents. Let me see what else there is to do.  Oh, take a shower (after writing this, because blogging relaxes me haha), clean the bathroom, change the sheets, buy breakfast food for the whole week from the supermarket, and do my manicure and curl my hair for tonight's Christmas Eve mass.  Thank God for ready-made store food too, I'm going to pick that up for the potluck party tomorrow, hahaha.


It's tiring just going through all these.  And guess what! I've got diarrhea, my left eye is swollen from my hubby punching me (kidding...I think it's an ant bite or something), my right ear is swollen from my cartilage diamond earring that got displaced when I bumped my head somewhere (duh!) -- so I guess, I have to kiss this extra earring goodbye forever, my left wrist is messed up ---must have been from lugging those shopping bags around, and my fingers are stiff and painful from the cold. I'm not exaggerating !!!  My hubby says in Aldred lingo "Man, you're hella f*cked up!" while his problem of the moment is having a hard time telling if what Andrea Bocelli's singing on TV is in spanish or italian. Hello.


Oh, I haven't gone through the mail yet (America wastes so much paper on these things --poor trees!) . And don't forget, bills to be paid!!! Christmas leaves a big dent on the budget. I remember last year when I wanted to give herb and flower pots for Christmas. I tried growing them, but they never sprouted in time, LOL.  I don't have a green thumb to begin with. This year, none of my money-saving techniques worked too.  If only we can load kiss credits on gift cards, give hugs wrapped in japanese paper and packed in colorful boxes, and seal lots and lots of love in huge cookie jars.


Next week, we have two weddings to go to (one invitation was written in spanish!) and a cocktail event on New Year's Eve. I haven't bought the wedding presents yet.  And I don't even know if I can still squeeze myself into the formal dresses I currently have.  Well, no one can help me in that department, huh! I hope my diarrhea persists then.


Aaaargh! The holidays.  It's driving me NUTS! ChestNUTS...how apt...Chestnuts roasting on an open fire......Oh no, I'm singing now! No matter what, it is still the happiest and indeed, the most wonderful time of the year.




MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!!

Best Birthday Gift evah!!!

Venue: Cache Creek

Date: December 16, 2006

Time: Around 8pm

Al took me out for a humongous buffet and some gambling at the slot machines for my birthday.  The front guard asked for my ID before letting me into the casino.  He thought I was a minor!!!

I got carded on my 34th birthday! WOOHOO!!!

The Jets

What title should I give this blog? Beats the hell out of me. Hahaha. So okay, The Jets it is. Unless you come up with something better.

It's past midnight and my hubby and I just got home! Weehee!!!  We've always been out lately.  For some reason it feels like we're boyfriend-girlfriend again -- except for some weight gain and occasional body aches (dang, are we getting old!!!).  He played softball (which I couldn't bear to watch now because it gets too cold out there already -- how could these guys keep on playing without freezing up on the field?!?) and so I went out shopping with my cousin Ate Shelly and my friend, Flo.  On the way home, Al let me listen to the new songs his co-worker uploaded on his iPod, stuff I didn't have in mine.  He's got some 80's music that totally waxed me nostalgic for a minute...Boy George and the Culture Club, Debbie Gibson, The JJ Fad (remember Supersonic?).  What else do you remember? Then I found The Jets' "Make It Real" and started singing out loud. HE STARTED SINGING WITH ME -- something you wouldn't get often, hahaha...never mind the off-keyness of it all (either he's actually just second-voicing or he's really just cut out for rap). LOL. Then he started changing the lyrics and making fun of me in the words and that made me sing louder to drown his voice, which ofcourse made him sing even louder.  We kept doing it to each other until it felt like our eardrums were gonna break and the car was gonna get sick of us, throw up and shoot us out in the middle of the freeway.

It's one of those moments that some feel-good movies are made of.  And I won't forget it. We're really moving on.  We will never forget the son we lost, nor the day we lost him. But at least we're not dwelling in the bottom anymore.  Life goes on.   

And I still don't know what title to give this blog.

Advanced Merry Christmas, everyone! Life is good, isn't it?

Oh well...

        My aunt and cousin visited someone who recently gave birth.  Looking at the baby, they remembered me and my little Cody, and perhaps been touched by the irony of life during that moment.  Someone's getting born, someone's dying.  It's just the balance of life.  The cosmic equation of the universe to equalize humanity. No, it's God's will. He has a purpose for these things, some are really just beyond human comprehension.

        Anyway, here's the real puzzling thing about human existence.  My hubby just called to say that someone he knew made his girlfriend undergo an abortion last Thursday.  You actively kill someone you don't want...while someone, who other people want so badly to survive, simply dies...

People. I mean...Life!

How did you know, Dad?

        Last night, my dad sent me a text message from the Philippines.  He said, "Natatanggap ko message mo buti naman enjoy ka siguro ginagawa mo rin dyan kahit nag-iisa tambay lang sa kapehan enjoy na kagaya Daddy mababaw kaligayahan. Mis u na. Labs ingat." (I receive your messages, it's good that you're enjoying.  What you might also be doing there is hanging out at a coffee shop even just by yourself, enjoying it just like Daddy, so easy to please. Miss you already. Luv u and take care.)

        Awww! How did you know, Daddy?

      It rings a marvelous truth that only this special paternal connection bears witness to.  Despite the distance and time difference, I know that Daddy and I are doing quite the same things. This is the unbreakable and mystical bond that holds our hearts together.

        I sit alone inside Seattle's Best at the Westfield Center Mall in San Francisco, sipping my tall hot Classic Mocha (decaf, non-fat and without whipped cream), reading a book, or watching people, eavesdropping at conversations, looking far away, taking my time, contemplating about life, and finding joy in many things, including that moment. 

        And he sits alone inside Starbuck's Coffee at Shoemart in Batangas City, sipping his tall hot Cafe Americano (no cream but with lots of sugar), watching people, eavesdropping at conversations, looking far away, taking his time, contemplating about life, and finding joy in many things, including that moment.

        Mababaw ang kaligayahan.  Yes, that's my Daddy.  He is so easy to please.  His way of thinking and behaving seem to be so uncomplicated (but who really knows what goes on inside?). No matter what, everything comes out all ironed out already, scratch and wrinkle-free.  What comes out is some deep, honest-to-goodness wisdom and shall I say humor about even life's most difficult tests.  So easy.  He is so undemanding about life.  He finds joy and greatness in the simplest of things.

        My dad and I both like to sketch and draw, be quiet in our caves when we feel like it, be goofy and funny and laugh all we can with people when we want to.  We play the piano, we like driving around, we like taking pictures, we are both organized with our things and files, we both enjoy Do-It-Yourself stuff.  We both like to read minds and observe people. We like watching movies on TV and every food seems to be our favorite one (and did I mention the beer?). We're both patient, calm and trusting our lives to God in a very giving way.

        So, I'd like to believe that our likeness doesn't stop at drinking coffee. 

        After all, I'm a chip off the old block, or at least I'm trying my best to be.  There is still so much to emulate about Daddy.  This one though..."Mababaw ang kaligayahan" (and reaping all the benefits that come with it)...I might as well say now, like daddy, like me.

All in a Snap

        I went downtown yesterday, walking about one of my favorite spots -- Powell St. and Fifth and Mission -- where I usually enjoy some alone time, going around by myself, shopping or just people-watching. There I was walking by Bloomingdales, feeling cute and sexy wearing a leather jacket, a miniskirt and workin' it with my high go-go boots. Then it dawned on me, the last time I trodded the same path just a little more than three weeks ago, I was in maternity clothes, a hopeful mommy who was halfway through her pregnancy.  I sure luv dressin' me up but I certainly would choose the maternity stuff over anything else right now.  Oh well. 

        Things have changed so suddenly.  In a snap, my world is back to how it used to be. Not that I detest it. It's just that so much has happened in my life lately, between the shocking and the miserable, that half the time now I still don't know where my head is.

        Life's like that.  It's full of surprises, just when we think we have achieved some kind of balance and stability at some point.  Good or bad, changes are certain. Things can do 180-degree turns all in a snap . And they usually catch us offguard.  We've got to treasure each day and savor the moment while it happens.

        Everyday is a gift.  That's why we should never throw it away.

Happy Anniversary!!!

You are my beginning and my end.

You are my dream and my reality.

You are the love of my life...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO THE MAN WHO SPOILS ME ROTTEN!

I love you, Mahal!

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Prayer for Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

Reflection:

Living one day at a time,

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace

Talking as He did,

This world as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right,

If I surrender to His will.

That I will be happy with Him in this life,

and supremely happy with Him forever, in the next

Kate

What are angels and who are they, really? We grew up recognizing them as the white and the winged assistants singing and playing heavenly music up there.  At least I did. But who really knows?  I've heard a dozen times before they can also be people amongst us, roaming this earth, saving people's lives, keeping us from danger and most of the time, just being there way before or right on time, to give what we exactly need.

A year ago, I went to this restaurant/bar called Totem with my friends back home. I'm not very good at recognizing songs or music but I know which stuff I like when I hear it.  They were playing this music that seemed like a cross between hiphop and african dance, something with a very primal beat that really made me smile and want to stand up, beer in hand, and do an air version of what usually is done someplace else (hmmm).  Dancing makes me happy.  Ofourse, I had to ask what it was and found out that the CD belonged to one of the waitresses there.  Her name is Kate.  I asked for her and begged her if I could borrow the CD (after making a copy, ofcourse, LOL) She, who doesn't know me from Adam, and she, who claimed it was a memorable present -- a special CD mix -- from an ex-boyfriend.  She let me borrow it anyway, probably kissing it goodbye thinking at the back of her head that I might never come back at all. I came back after a month and left the CD with her co-worker who informed me that she quit her job only a few days after I borrowed the CD. She knew then that she might never see me again.

Now, on days when I just couldn't seem to rise from the bed, drowning in grief and all the other painful emotions that come with it, I stand up, play Kate's CD and dance around the room while cleaning and doing other chores.  One day, I danced my way to the bathroom to wash my face, and I saw myself in the mirror smiling back at me.  Kate saved my day that time and still continues to do so.  She's one of those angels I'm talking about.

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This makes me think, can we, ourselves, be angels to some people too? Maybe if we pay attention more.  But we'll never know.  God probably sends us on saving missions, touching lives even without us knowing it.  Here are some other angel sightings for me recently:

1. My sisters-in-law, Bingbing and Wena (and the postman who mailed a flyer) - instead of pushing through with our reception for Cody's Memorial Service at this buffet place (which is actually not that nice but we picked anyway due to time constraints), they convinced us to make last minute reservations at this better restaurant that they saw in the flyer and checked out themselves.

2. My gay friend, Mr. R, for calling at the right time when I was in bed contemplating on getting a haircut.  He volunteered to pick me up, take me out to lunch and come with me for that make-over mission.  It pays to have a gay friend explaining to a gay stylist what you exactly need! (Mr. R: "No, I've seen her with short hair, no!")

3.  My cousin, Ate Shelly, who was looking around at Ross when I was thinking of going there or at TJ's to pick up a nice paper-mache box for keeping and putting away all of our Cody memories. We talked on the phone, she saw the boxes I wanted and picked a Winnie the Pooh hat box that we ended up using for the memorial service too.

Crowning Glory (or Worry???)

My hair. My friggin' long, hard and straight broom-style or maybe corn-husky-almost-as-limp-as-an-old-toilet-mop hair. Hahaha.  Funny how at one breath I think about my little Cody and worry about my hairstyle on the next. Sounds promising now, do we!

Hmmm...I'm thinking. It's about time I cut it shorter than how I usually sported it. I think I've been watching Rachael Ray too much.  I so want her hair (plus maybe a little highlight here and there---not bad)! Well, not that there's anything grand about her hair.  It's casual, it's fluffy, it's bouncy, it's done YET looks undone.  I just feel like it will suit me (yeah right...ahuh-huh?). Well, if I can't cook as fast and neat as her, might as well have hair like hers!

But we know how deceiving these celebrity hairstyles could get. They got stylists strutting about, sprayin'-blowdryin-hotroddin'-and even hypnotizin' their crowning glories wherever they went! Like some years back, I wanted the other "Rachel" hair (Jennifer Aniston in FRIENDS?) I stepped out of the salon with hair like hers alright, but wait until the next shower, man...then Goodbye, celebrity feeling and Hello, floor mop --- oh I mean, welcome back!

Anyhoo, what's with me and this Rachel thing. Not too long ago, I worshipped my cousin Rachel's layered hair with caramel high and low lights, it's awesome! *shrug* (Hi, Rae!)

Aldred brushes my long locks sometimes. I'm a wash and wear girl. Maybe I should train him an extra mile farther into this whole hairstyling shebang so I can keep up with all them Rachels. Let's see how this one will turn out this time.  I'll keep you posted.

 

Random Thoughts the Morning After

...It's not the first monday that I'm left at home by myself...not even the first day that I'm by my lonesome since Cody left......It rained last night......I love the drizzle but I hate the puddle......it's sad that Cody will never know what the rain feels like on his face......(but maybe up there in heaven now, he knows how things feel like more than I will ever know on earth)......well, so far, my life goes on......I sit comfortably on our queen-sized bed, with fresh manicure and pedicure from the other day when Aldred took me out for some spa pampering......I sincerely thought that things were going to be far worse than they actually are......I'm back to my senses......well, too soon to totally forget the sad memories and too early not to feel any pain with each remembrance......surprisingly, I am not as depressed as I thought I'd be......

If there is anything to thank God for...it is having family and friends close (even in spirit), who keep my candle burning......my heart beating despite the gloom......everyone close to me know that I hate it when people feel sorry for me (big time!), or made a big fuss over me and my feelings (which more often are severely exaggerated)...or when people simply talked about me...or when they thought they knew better...I guess it's the pride (and my incomprehensible thirst for privacy at times)......this time though, everyone's words of sympathy made me feel so much better......I realized I have always been used to being the sounding board and source of strength for many that I feel extremely uncomfortable being the receiver of all the concern......it truthfully is a great humbling blessing for me, I finally let myself be the little helpless wet puppy who at last, opened up and willingly basked in people's attention and words of comfort (this can actually drive one pretty spoiled)......I felt finally at home when their hearts went out to us......Thank you, Lord, for all that......

Another thing to thank God for is walking through this journey with Aldred, who willingly showed his grief with tears sans the male pride......somehow, the agony becomes lighter and it makes moving forward easier......we have already gone through a quick phase mulling over the silent guilt with each nagging "what if" that we secretly asked ourselves......what if it was my fault? what if it was your fault? what if we could have done something earlier to prevent Cody from dying? what if we had more time to rest and not get Cody too tired? what if we didn't take a long car ride? what if I didn't sleep too much on my right side, what if the pregnancy had been only one miracle and blessing that we should have taken more care of as soon as it was granted and so on and so forth......it finally stopped when we finally verbalized it, much more so like a seething volcano finally erupting, with me bawling and hitting his back with a baby pillow as he hid himself under the comforters......that was our catalyst of peace ......we are a team as we always have been, now we are back to speaking boldly of our thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes and dreams......hugging each other tight, resting in the thought that we actually did our best and dozing off in each other's arms......The other night, he laid down with Cody's blankie on his cheek, closed his eyes and said "I miss my Utoy"......the pain is still there, like occasional thorns that you accidentally brush upon as you walk amongst rose bushes......but we manage to sleep soundly anyway (too soundly we wake each other up with our snoring)......there is still a lot of things to laugh about......we breezed through Thanksgiving with flying colors......eating and socializing......thank God we are a team, we talk it over......sometimes over wine......or sharing a stick of smoke in the backyard, the head rush that it brings we save only for truly the most stressful of times......(and we are almost done with all these emotional anesthesia as well!)......last night, he munched on chocolate-coated sunflower seeds while installing a new shelf from Ikea......I drank flat Pepsi with melted ice in style from a wine glass, watching him flex his muscles through the sleeves of his white t-shirt (oh how appealing Cody probably would have been as well, had he gotten a chance to get older) ......when all the work was done, he said he was happy......I said the shelf was balanced......then we lit an apple-scented candle and prayed the rosary together for Cody (I never thought he got all that actually memorized in his head)......

......and if there is truly something I am really proud about myself......it is the resilience that God blessed me with......and that I am hardly ever a drama queen......I think nothing can really pull a hopeful and faithful spirit down......Cody will forever be in our hearts......and I am so thankful and happy that I have been able to write about my pregnancy with him and how proud I was about him in my journal and blogs, not knowing then that it was one of the final things I would be able to do for him as a mommy......no more hugs, no watching developmental milestones, no baby kisses......but only the sweetest of words, the expression of the most grateful and proudest feelings, and the fondest memories of my pregnancy to remember him by......his kicks, his hiccups, his sonogram images......He still remains to be our miracle of miracles, the purpose of whom is still too unfathomable......

Some say that sadness is a sign of resentment to God's will......I can't seem to subscribe to the same belief......we are not without grief......I guess it will take time, we are only humans......but I see sadness as an instrument to be closer to God and make relationships (with God, my spouse, family and friends) even more meaningful and better than ever......

and now, the day after the rain...the morning after...we have enough space to reflect about many things......but there are no "why's"......yes, we have had our share of "what ifs" about our capabilities within human limitations......but questioning the Divine Will is not even there......not even on the bottom of the list......

......and hopeful for a bigger family with more kids and pregnancies that actually push through in the years to come, we remain......

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong -doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART OF MY LIFE.

PRAYER:
May today there be peace within me. May I trust God that I am exactly where I am meant to be. May I not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May I use those gifts that I have received, and pass on the love that has been given to me. May I be content knowing that I am a child of God. Let His presence settle into my bones, and allow my soul the freedom to sing, dance, and to bask in the sun. It is there for each and every one of us.

Source: http://www.steeldog.com/reasonseasonlifetime.htm

When Hello Means Goodbye

For the first time in my whole life, I felt heartbreak like no other, and grief that makes me hurt everywhere. I felt so devastated, helpless, scared...

For the first time in my whole life, I felt so weak and powerless.  There was no way out.  For the first time, I couldn't see rainbows.  No bright side, no silver linings...just a place of darkness and a lot of pain.

For the first time in my whole life, I cannot put words together to express how I feel.

November 17, 2006, the doctor couldn't find my baby's heartbeat.  He was gone and I didn't even feel it happening.  He was just there laying perfectly still in my tummy.  How could you go without saying goodbye?

They induced me for labor and on November 18, 2006, I delivered Cody Francis.  He said hello to us at 5 months old, 9 3/4 inches...but it was also goodbye. We were almost there, sweetie.

Our Cody will never see the world like other babies would.  He lay lifeless in my hands in a baby blankie, so cute and tiny. He was a dream come true because every part of his face looked a lot like my hubby, who took us in his arms sobbing and weeping like a little boy. 

We just lost our most prized possession...The baby boy we looked forward to and were so excited about.  Right now, I just can't begin to tell how painful that feels.  They said no one will ever understand, unless they went through the same kind of loss...the loss of a child, the fruit of our love, not just any other family member. 

I appreciate all the love and the support we've been given.  But right now, it's not yet about me being young or having another one right away, nor about us having an angel up there now.  Not just yet.  For now, this is just about Cody.  Our little Cody.  I feel so crushed and sorry he will never have a chance to blow his candle on his first birthday party...or see when the Christmas lights are up, or play on the little league or go trick or treating with mommy and daddy.

For the first time in my life, encouraging words do not help me.  Just say a prayer for me and Al.  This is our journey that no one can ever cut short. We are so lost in our grief we don't even have space for asking God why, so much more make sense of everything for now.

WE WILL PULL THROUGH, but please let us take our time to weep too...

Is it Time Yet?

It is easy to get hungry on a Saturday morning for us.  But this is still the day I always look forward to like a little kid ("yehey ilang tulog na lang!"...something like that).  Hubby doesn't work on weekends and we sleep in.  We shut the light out with the blinds and it would look like 4am even after the sun has shone brightly outside and people have started their usual weekend hustle and bustle.  It's funny.  Sometimes I wake up ahead and see him still snoring.  Or sometimes, he does first and messes with me, pinches my nose or plays with my face.  Then we both wake up and instead of saying hello, good morning, something sweet (or sour, as the case may be), one of us for sure is going to say..."IS IT TIME YET?"

It's a hunting frenzy for the remote control, which is anywhere within our sheets or under the bed.  If it's before 11am, we try to sweep through and be entertained with programs we don't even focus on.  5 minutes to 11 and you see us smiling at each other, tuning in to one of the only two Filipino programs we get on a Saturday morning (sorry, no TFC). We watch "Maalaala Mo Kaya? (MMK)". Yes! That drama special based on real life stories.  Al, who can barely comprehend tagalog dialogues fully, beats me at reacting to the scenes, and truly has a ball at seeing me cry over some, at times. How easily replays can ruin our party...

This is the best part of our Saturday morning routine (even puts some luv-loving aside sometimes, waaaaah!).  This show is beautiful --perhaps because it's not a mere product of one's imagination-- and it richly possesses colors drawn from personal experiences, and provides threads of inspiration, no less.  I like it, yet, I must admit it is not something I would probably sit down or make time for at any given day. It might be something I would sneak in between commercials of Oprah, Tyra or Rachael Ray's 30 Minute Meals if schedule doesn't permit. Or something I would watch only if I accidentally see it on.

Yet, MMK helps make my Saturdays turn hunger into a place of comfort, security, contentment and love.  It paves the way for some couple time -- playing, cuddling, spooning and snuggling (or maybe it's the other way around?).  No matter what, hubby calls it "Hug Wifey Time", and indeed makes the most out of it. 

I do get hungry (getting up past lunch time is tough for a preggy-wifey!), but I learned how to be ready for it and squirrel away a drink, some crackers and even caramel candy on my side table the night before to make me last.

I love my Saturday mornings.

Trick or Treat and other Treats

         Last Halloween was a trip.  I didn't just bring our nephews and nieces trick or treating with my sisters-in-law, I WENT TRICK OR TREATING MYSELF!!! Hell, yeah! I told myself, next year I'll be pushing a stroller with a clueless 7-month old baby suffocating in one of those furry costumes and collecting candy that he can't probably even eat yet, the heck...I'll have a trip this year! Halloween has always been one of my favorite occasions anyway, this being a day I have always been excited about for some reason. (I must have really been a druid princess in my past life because "All Hallow's Eve" or "Samhain" has always, always, always felt so familiar to me...I'm serious!!!)  Plus, I'm the kind of person who delights in doing crazy things just for the heck of it so I won't have so much regrets in my life.  So this halloween was a ceremonial (and actually long overdue) goodbye to Clarisse's solo adventures (hmmm, maybe).  I can't wait to share my life and adventures with my baby next year and in the years to come. Poor thing, I bet he'll be dragged to do outrageous stuff with this hot momma.

        And so I went. I have always dressed up as a witch in the past Halloween parties I've been to (told'ya!) and this was my first time to don on a different get up.  Since it was a spur-of-the-moment decision, I managed to pull off a vain attempt to look scary in a black widow-inspired look with a black veil (which I used for the Papal Audience in Rome early this year) and a lit brass candelabra that I bought from an antique fair supposedly to send to my parents back home. Some said it was pretty intense.  To me, I simply seemed to have walked straight out of a Pinoy Regal Shocker movie.  HAHAHA. <>> Well, thank God for big middle schoolers and highschool kids, I sort of blended in with them -- or at least that's how I imagined it to be. The treat-givers always asked "Wow, what are you supposed to be?". Come to think of it, I looked more like me trying hard to pretend as a big-boned and chubby (or young pregnant) high-schooler dressed up in an old person costume, but thank God for the veil and the white face powder that hid the wrinkles, hahaha. The difficult challenge was to chirp out a high-pitched "Trick or Treeeaaaaat!", I sounded more like the wicked witch of the west than a cute teenager. It was such a trip! But I had stashed quite a loot for myself...freebies to tide me over during unholy hours of pregnant hunger, yaha! And the great part is, as always, spending fun time with the kids.  That is always priceless to me.

        But the best part yet is having done a different experience once again.  Trick or Treating at 33, with a 19-week old baby in my tummy, rock on!!!

        Well, I can scratch that off my list now.  This halloween didn't just bring me fun and candy treats.  It offered me some other good treats too:   the opportunity for another adventure to reminisce someday and the chance to live out little crazy dreams...the kind that make each day worth looking forward to, each memory worth looking back to, and my whole life worth living.

WHAT'S ON YOUR LITTLE CRAZY DREAMS LIST?

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I've been getting a lot of feedback lately on my blog, I would appreciate it this time if you share your stuff with me, and for others to read as well. So...what's on your list? Let me share my top 20 wild or serious ones (my list goes on actually):

1. Sing and dance in a concert a la J-Lo (with matching earpiece and mic)...yeah, right! but I did something pretty close to that at last year's dance recital, but sing??? Who knows...

2.  Meet Tiger Woods in person, shake his hand, take a pic with him and talk to him (and come home with an autograph)

3.  Win a target shooting competition (or at least participate in one)...I shoot soda cans with my airsoft gun in the backyard...does that count?

4. Be a barrista at Starbucks (and master all that coffee-stuff)

5.  Write and publish my own book OR books (and hopefully get Oprah to endorse 'em, weehee!!!)

6.  Hold a one-man show art exhibit of my paintings and sketches

7.  Play in the rain as an adult (ooops, I did that already when I was 28).  This time, bathe naked under the full moon in the middle of an open field.

8. Speak a little French.

9.  See the Celtic Castles in Europe with Al and touch the rocks of Stonehenge...and yes, meet a real druid.

10.  Have my own complete bar at home or at least learn a lot of cocktail mixing and bartending stunts.

12. Take figure-skating lessons or adult ballet, some hula or master a hot salsa number with my hubby, woohoo!!!

13.  Buy my hubby a Rolex Yachtmaster watch (I wish, I wish...)

14. Get a real tattoo on my left lower back almost sinking halfway down the knicker line (that fairy on a moon that I have always wanted since my 28th birthday)

15. Play the drums (Mahal? Can I have my own drumMania video set for Christmas, the big arcade kind? hehehe *joke*)

16. Volunteer in a kick-ass mission a la Laura Croft or the Tomb Raider.

17. Watch Criss Angel and David Blaine in person and learn a trick or two from them

18. Get married in Reno or Vegas, just for kicks (Al wants to do it too, maybe on our anniversary?)

19. Be an orphan's long-term mentor about life and living

20. Fly

                                                                                    

Boo!

...it was just like any ordinary day for me...i woke up...i was alone in the house...i used the bathroom then flushed...cleaned up...wishy-wishy-washy (my hands, what were you imagining? haha)...the usual routine...nothing extra-ordinary...i was so hungry i went to the kitchen right away and fixed my brunch (nuked the leftovers, i mean)...i ate...went back to our room...after a few minutes, i went back to the bathroom (another call of nature...thanks to a pregnant woman's bladder)

...then...hooooooly...bathroom!!!  the toilet seat was up! i swear i didn't do that...and no one else was in the house...what da???

...2 days later, i put up a new clock in the bathroom...we had 2 available hooks on one side and i decided to hang it on the left hook because it angles the clock to the left...facing the seat (i like to time myself, y'know...coz if i read something in there, i might stay there forever :P)...1 day later, i found out it showed a different time...then another day later...it showed the CORRECT TIME...but it was on the right hook, facing the door...what da???

...i asked my hubby about the clock...he said...what do u mean?  what clock? why???...he was such a natural until he finally admitted he did it...and just didn't foresee that i would obssess about which hook he puts it back on...

...he also admitted to knocking from outside our bedroom window one dark morning when i thought he had already left and was already driving to work...which made me go under the sheets desperately waiting for the sun to shine...

ok...that was my hubby tricking wifey for halloween...

...but the case of the lifted toilet seat??? i was alone...and hello! i'm a girl...i sit on it, i don't stand and jingle, ergo, no need to lift it up...

...well, that remains a mystery...could be someone actually saying hi from beyond...(and he seems male to me...)

what's your spooky story?

             

                            

 

My First Trimester: The Twisted Side

        You've heard me rave about the joys of pregnancy.  Now is probably the chance for me to rant about what went behind the scenes during my first trimester. *LOL*  Don't get me wrong! I am in a state of bliss...no matter what.  But when one is really at the mercy of her hormones, by all means, dock! I just discovered a talent for doing a perfect portrayal of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

        Once upon a time, there lived a pleasant and serene lady who carefully chose the words she uttered and smiled her way through storms.  Until one night...BAM!!! She, for a teeny weeny reason, got upset at her clueless hubby, hit and shook their Honda Accord with both hands, yelled and screamed and held the clueless man by his collar, deformed his shirt neckline and ripped his necklace apart.  Hubby could only freeze and whimper to this incredible hulk of a wifey, "Why? What did I do?"  (My Al truly deserves an award for putting up with this, y'know!)  Thank goodness that sinister incident happened only once and hopefully will never happen again (the missus has been exorcised, I guess!)  I can only look back to that moment and cringe at a horrid mental image of myself transforming into a monster with red eyes, green skin and wiry hair suddenly sprouting about. 

        The rest of the first three months of my nesting period  was fortunately more peaceful than that.  Ofcourse! What can you expect from a perpetually groggy and forever feeling sick person, helplessly trying to let the day pass locked inside the bedroom and hoping to bury the nausea under the comforters, to no avail. 

        First of all, I have unwillingly evolved into a sniffing german shepherd, with what Aldred christened as my supersonic smell.  Believe it or not, I could tell what the whole neighborhood's cooking, maybe five houses or more down the road! Now, that would have been pleasant and joyful for me as the aroma of food have always delighted me since my Gerber days.  But lo and behold, the smell of anything being cooked, especially sauteed garlic, was suddenly revolting to my senses. Picture this: 60 million pairs of nostrils all over your body while smelling a gazillion odor particles, one unit of which already makes you puke to no end.  Ergo, my formerly hearty appetite took an uninformed leave of absence.  I could not pick a single thing to eat!!! For three whole months, I was in tip-top shape qualified for a career in olympic vomiting.  I wouldn't be surprised if the toilet bowl suddenly decided to get its revenge on me. 

        Thank God, one day at a time, I discovered food that were less threatening to my stomach's spirits (thanks, too, to stabilizing hormones maybe).  I went into phases.  Imagine a whole week of McDonald's filet-o-fish every freaking night...then the McChicken phase (I should name my baby Donald, huh?)...then the mayonnaise phase (dollops of pure mayonnaise on my mouth would bring me to seventh heaven--- am I making you gag yet?)...then the clam chowder soup series.  One time, we had Japanese four days in a row! Recently it was the Kentucky Fried Chicken with a cupful of gravy (what's with all the fastfood, Clarisse?).  There was a time I dreamt of this delicious Letty's Pancit Tikyano twice.  Unfortunately, Aldred will never be able to get if for me and have it shipped from the Philippines at my every whim, unless he gets frustrated enough and decides to ship me back home instead --what a bummer! 

        I also craved for the hella pinoy "jologs" cafeteria style of pasta...DA FAMOUS SPAGHETTCHUP!!!  Oh that sweet anemic looking pale orange spaghetti cooked in yes, banana catsup and adorned with occasional thin coin slices of hotdogs.  I sooo miss that and love that to bits as much as I adore the authentic Italian aldente Spaghetti alla Puttanesca cooked to perfection with the right combination of olives, capers and anchovies.  Oh these gastronomic mood swings! I'm on the italian side of this pasta pendulum these days.  I just had a bowl of the real Italian treat, washed it down with a bottle of Pellegrino natural sparkling water, and got high at the fact that it tasted the way I expected it to, while at the same time prayed hard that I don't waste my lunch moolah by donating my semi-digested food to the immaculate bathroom of Bloomingdale's.

        Well, I'm slowly weaning away from food issues at this point and slowing picking on how I am beginning to look.  The other day, I asked Al "I'm starting to look real ugly, am I?" to which he replied "I never said that." Well, was that a good answer or what. Hahaha.  Last night, I stared at my new pictures on my laptop.  I think my already huge head is swelling even faster than my belly ever could.  My big eyes are popping out like a goldfish immitating Garfield when I'm sleepy, my forehead is slowly doing a version of the 40-60 grit sandpaper and my hair follicles have decided to germinate in places you will never think a girl can grow hair on.  To add pain to injury, my nose is doing an adaptation of a squished garden tomato - the one somebody stepped on (geez, I'm beginning to look like my hubby's ex-girlfriend!!! Is this karma or what? Ooops, sorry about that, for a minute there, I thought that was a bit funny to add...LOL).

        So far, that has been the dark side of the first third of my journey.  I'm the kind of person who has so much ideas and projects for my life, the type of person who wouldn't waste a day without doing something productive with my hands or with my mind. I love to draw, read, paint, cook, organize and clean stuff, write, dance, take photographs, do movie marathons, make creative digital layouts on my PC, and engage in new adventures everyday.  It seemed that time FROZE my life out for three whole months...being utterly unproductive at my darndest best.  But I must admit, life as a useless princess has its perks too, hahaha. Gone were the days when Aldred couldn't even keep up with my cleaning frenzy.  Welcome days when he would kiss me goodbye on the bed before leaving for work only to find me curled up in the exact same position when he comes back home. 

        My life froze indeed.  But for some reason, I am not at all sorry.  I don't regret not having accomplished something from my goal list --- my overdue DMV test, my teacher's credentials/certification in CA, my mom's souvenir program digital layout, a new job, and a lot lot more...For sure, I will find time for them next time.

       Right now, I am letting my life stop, in order to let this new life inside me begin.  This transition time for me is great! Instead of thinking about what I want for myself, I think about the baby and the future.  My books are replaced by pregnancy manuals.  My tv shows now include Discovery Health (where they show a lot of baby specials).  My wish shopping list underwent a major revamp, from Seven and Bebe jeans, shoes and bling-blings to baby stuff such as a car seat, a crib, and other baby gear. Instead of bringing up usual philosophical questions from geeksville, my mind is focused on only one...WILL I EVER BECOME A GOOD MOMMY? I have received some thumbs up compliments among parents in my preschool class as a teacher...but I only worked 8-5!  As a mom, practicing patience, unconditional tolerance, giving love and support 24/7 is a new and different challenge altogether.  I only want one answer.  I want to be good at it.

Oh Yeah, Huh!!!

        Writing my previous blog and reading it again the second time reminded me of something good I picked up early this year. 

        Christmas '05, I religiously attended all nine mornings of the Simbang Gabi starting on my birthday (the 16th) and culminating on Christmas Eve.  They said one can make a prayer wish and if you don't miss a day (with waking up before 4am just to make it to the early mass being part of the package---why is it so early anywayz???), your wish will come true. That was my first time to complete all nine. Good job, gurl!!!

        My wish, ofcourse, was for Al and I to have our own baby soon.

        I regularly stayed on one spot with my mom each morning. There was a bunch of familiar faces in the church who stayed in the same area as we did and we would call each other "classmate".  One guy there was Noel.  He is my cousin's friend and I was acquainted with him since gradeschool although we were never really close. 

        A few months after Christmas (early this year), I bumped into Noel at Starbucks.  He said "Hey, Clarisse, my prayer wish already came true!". To which I replied, "WELL, MINE DID NOT!".

        And you know what he said?  "Why, does it have to be now-NOW? In your own time table? Why...you actually gave God a deadline?"

        Oh yeah, huh! Now that I'm 12 weeks pregnant and showing a tiny bump, I realize how awfully wrong and clueless I was still about many things. Now I know better.

God's Special Surprise

"Gift of my Faith" - nah...something more catchy....hmmm

"Miracle of Life" -nah...maybe something more cool for this blog....

"I Must Have Done Something Good" - nah...still doesn't seem to sound so perfect for this...

            There has been some kind of tennis-match-spectator activity among my brain cells lately as I obsessed about what title to give this blog for the past days now and still, the perfect one for something as perfect as this eludes me. It is, as the cliche goes, beyond words.

            My husband Aldred and I have been yearning to have our own child for the past three years now.  But unlike most couples, we struggled through hurdles which were beyond our control such as immigration delays (which brought Aldred home to me only for small periods of time in between painfully long intervals...) and most of all, reproductive difficulties that seemed to lose the fight simply because we didn't have the luxury of time to be together long enough to keep trying. 

             My OB-Gyn once said, "you need to be together for a long time to catch that ELUSIVE ovulation time". TIME...we didn't have that much then.  And it wasn't like we're still spring chickens who could wait until forever. Deep inside, the thought of not having my own baby scared and bothered me the most.  It nagged me as relentlessly as that childhood fear of the bogeyman under the bed or inside the closet waiting to prey on you as soon as darkness sets in.  But unlike the bogeyman, this kind of fear had some forms of realistic scientific and medical backing that kept reminding me that with these limitations, it might be real, and hopeless as well.  That is why I was totally annoyed and upset at those people who frowned at the fact that Aldred has a daughter, born fourteen years ago out of wedlock. Yes, that could be considered unconventional for most people's standards and I agree to that.  But have they ever asked me what I thought of it? It was actually that time when I came closest to my dream of becoming a mom or being called Mommy at least, loving and being concerned in a committed way over someone, thinking at the back of my head, that I might not even have my own.  I told myself, the heck, this is already a blessing in itself!

             Nonetheless, Aldred and I kept trying.  He went through a lot too, (humbling moments included) and that's where I realized how much this tough, macho and virility-proud man loves me.  He was so patient, understanding and cooperative.  He taught me something important too. His prayer life was starkly simple yet it did a lot to tide me over when my own faith faltered.   Why?  Because he didn't have complicated thoughts.  He simply BELIEVED.  We kept praying together and calling for the intercession of saints together. During disappointments I would say, what if we will never have one?  He simply responds "God will give us a baby, I know it.  And come to think of it, the fun part is making them.  He is just giving us more time to enjoy making them".  Whew! Eventually, I sort of relaxed.  I decided to stop stressing over this yearning.  I just kept saying "God, it's all up to you. You know what will make us happy but thy will be done. I know you make all things beautiful, in your time."

             I joined my husband permanently here in California on the 4th of July this year (2006).  My OB-Gyn armed me with some pills that might help us set the right timing if we really can't wait long enough.  I never had the chance to take them.

             August 9, 2006.  I started throwing up.  I must have eaten too much, I thought.  I tried to make a toast for Aldred's breakfast and the smell of bread made me run back to the bedroom. Hmmmm...

            August 10, 2006.  We went out for Japanese.  I never say no to that.  But that night, I couldn't pick a single sushi from the menu.  Hmmm...

           August 11, 2006.  My sister-in-law Wena said, maybe you're pregnant.  Let's do a test! I did.  It came out positive.  And I told myself, no...that plus sign must have been a mistake.  We bought another test, with the double lines this time.  Two lines came out.  Hmmmm...

          August 17, 2006.  Aldred and I went to Kaiser Permanente.  They did an ultrasound.  This is the image that greeted us on the monitor.  And right in the middle of the tiny peanut-shaped being inside the sac was a small dot beating continuously.  A heartbeat...  A life! Oh my God, we're really having a baby!!  And I was like "Doc, is that really a baby in there?" and he said, "Mommy, see the heartbeat?"

                  The doctor confirmed that we conceived on my first week here.  Maybe July 8th. How truly wondrous and amazing God's plan can really be. I am now on the last week of my first trimester.  My nausea is almost gone (though I still run away from the scent of anything barbecued or garlicky), my super sonic smell is waning (there was a point that even Aldred's freshly showered-freshly-brushed-and mouthwash-doused smell made me sick...or I would realize some things had a smell I never knew before...I could give those drug-sniffin' airport dogs a run for their money!), my appetite is now creeping back (Oh, thank you Lord for that!!!), and my brain is no longer on strike (what a brainiac!!! it's even considered a milestone for me now because I can start putting words together again in this blog).  I'm still sleepy most of the time and I deal with headaches everyday.  But no matter what I suffered and is still willing to struggle through, I know these will never be enough as an offering of thanksgiving to God for sending us this special surprise.  Indeed, it is much sweeter that it came as a surprise.  Nothing was forced. Nothing was begged for.  Nothing was fake.  Nothing was from us except for lots of faith and lots of luv-lovin'...blessed with God's reward IN HIS OWN TIME. 

               God sprinkles mankind with His own miracles and surprises. I can't wait for each one of you to receive yours.  Meanwhile, please say a prayer of thanks for me.  Please join us too in believing that God will grant us a safe pregnancy and a healthy, happy and normal baby come March 31, 2007.  I don't think that would be too much to ask for now, right? *LOL*

Happy Birthday, Raquel

Once in a lifetime, you find a friend...who touches not only your heart but also your soul.

Once in a lifetime, you discover someone...who stands beside you, not over you.

Once in a lifetime, if you are lucky...you'll find someone as I have found you. 

Very special people we can be ourselves with, talk with, laugh with, hope with and believe with...

THANK YOU FOR BEING THE TRUEST FRIEND EVER! THANK YOU FOR THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP...THE SUPPORT, THE SERVICE...THE LAUGHTER, THE PRAYERS, THE FOOD, THE TRUST, THE TIME...EVERYTHING! AND MOST OF ALL, FOR BEING THERE WITHOUT EVER WANTING ANYTHING IN RETURN (except my happiness ofcourse). 

                              You are my

"Special Star"

and I'll be forever thankful

for all the joy you've given me.

You are my

"Special Star"

And though miles may separate us

and we seldom see the other's face,

I just thought that I would tell you

that there'll always be a place

where the sun is always shining,

where the rose forever blooms,

where stars glow a little brighter,

where there's just no room for gloom.

And this place is our friendship

that will grow brighter every day.

Just like the special stars above us

that guide us on our way.

Because you're a

"Special Star"

I send a gift to you ...

the gift I send is friendship

that will go on without end.

My gift to you is the promise

that I'll always be a friend.

And whether times are good or bad,

this gift will never end

because it's sent with lots of love

to the heart of my best friend.

I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU, "TEECHEE PIE".  HAPPY BIRTHDAY! WISH I CAN BE THERE WITH ANOTHER PURPLE CAKE AND CANDLE FOR YOU TO BLOW.  MAKE A WISH!

PS.  Hey, Click here and listen

ALWAYS,

ATE

                               

Giving it a Shot

My hubby and I want to take photography seriously.  But up until now, I'm still wet behind the ears.  I have this undying conviction (aka "delusion") though, that I have THE EYE (oh, please show up now, pretty please?)  Al and I are photo-critic-wannabes  for each other's work, but,*sigh* this is a bad case of the blind leading the blind.

Well, I think this one shot would have been great had I known more about doing the settings right with the Canon EOS 10D that he bought for me.  Hopefully, I will be able to take better shots next time. 

Someday soon...  I promise.

(Sunlight at Hearst Castle's Indoor Pool)

Bad Dream

Perhaps it's because I have not been feeling very well the past days (some flu-like symptoms...and tonsilitis, darn, what else is new?)...

I took TheraFlu and immediately did a rollercoaster from Stage 1 to REM sleep.  I used to keep a diary for these things.  Weird, huh?  But I was into dream analysis at one point (not the hard-core kind though) and so that helped me unlock some of the subliminal secrets of my cerebral flights.

This one's pretty disturbing. 

In a nutshell...

I marry my ex.  Then I suddenly realize that I don't want to be with him, and that I can't do anything because I have already committed myself to the guy.  Next scene, I am crying my heart out saying that it's Aldred (my real husband) that I want to marry and spend forever with. Then I talk to my dad telling him I want to separate and go for Aldred, who I initially turned down in the dream.  I start calling Aldred's phone only to find out that his phone is with me and that I have no way of contacting him to explain my side and hopefully get married to him.  I remember feeling very scared that it might be too late. I scream and wail in my dream...

I remember a few years ago, I had the same dream.  I was running away from the altar and from this loser guy.  I kept running away in my wedding dress, crying out Aldred's name.

Now, I just breathe a sigh of relief.  I wake up with my face resting on Aldred's chest.  My husband.  The one I chose to marry.  Ghosts from the past may haunt me once in a while.  But I'm in a safe place now.  Where they cannot touch me.

 

My Heart...My Home...

I'm home.

Pilipinas Kong Mahal

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go.
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say Goodbye

But the dawn is breaking it's early morn
The taxi's waiting he's blowin' his horn
I'm ready I'm so lonesome I could die

CHORUS
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause I'm leaving on a Jet Plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go

Ah-ah-ah-ahhh

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now they don't mean a thing

Everyplace I go I'll think of you
Every song I sing I'll sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring

CHORUS

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Then close your eyes and I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave you alone
About the times that I won't have to say

CHORUS

I'm leaving on a Jet Plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go.

(And I'm) Leaving on a jetplane (repeat)

Goodbye, Taal.  Til we meet again...

Woman...Me

ZZZzzzZZZ...

this one's pretty retarded:

...happened twice now...i eat a lot of chinese food (or is it just the seafood dishes?)...and the same bodily phenomenon happens to me...exactly the same order of events too...first i eat, then i get lost in all that eating, therefore i keep doing it, *LOLz*...and as soon as i wash it all down with soda, i feel something weird inside my head...as if a virtual roman candle/fire cracker materializes from somewhere deep in the convolutions of my cerebrum then shoots up hitting the top of my skull from within...exploding into a spray of tiny stars (happy 4th of july, brain!)...hello, ofcourse that is just my sick imagination attempting to describe how this chopstick-inspired dizziness spell begins with me...and how does it end?...me being totally knocked out, barely making it home...and falling into instant delta-sleep...believe me, this can give demerol a run for its money...then, after being sort of unconscious for about 10-15 years, i mean minutes...i wake up again.

what the hell is that??? is it just me? some say it's the seafood (info: seafood has a lot of allergens so the body produces drowsiness-causing anti-histamines to counter them, even if one isn't clinically allergic)...maybe that's what makes one sleepy...but wait, i didn't eat a lot of seafood that day...maybe it's the MSG...

Mono-Sodium-Glutamate?...or My Severe Gluttony???

i won't be surprised with the answer...   *sigh*

__________________________________________________________________________

By the way, I wanna say hi and thanks to Ging and Gina and the rest of my "ka-Friendsters" for taking the time out to read my blogs, post comments or send me sweet notes in my inbox.  You just don't know it, but you're making me really happy!

The Voice of Twilight

Recently, Daddy handed me a copy of an official document which I am not really interested about at this point. It was a freshly drawn contract between him and an american vehicle company which was going to lease our property for their showroom, sales/after-sales and customer service departments.  He gave copies to my two sisters as well. I accepted it as casually as he handed it while he said, "I am giving this because the lease contract is for twenty years and you have to know these things including the escalation agreement and other details".  He said it as matter-of-factly as he could but it didn't take me more than five seconds to get the message.  Twenty years.  He is 69 right now.  Mommy is 65. In twenty years, he will be 89...Mommy 85.  He didn't want to verbalize it but it was short of saying...by the time the contract expires, will they ever be around still? 

My early childhood memories flashed before me, where before Superman and Wonderwoman, my first superheroes were Daddy and Mommy.  They were big and strong and could even make anything possible.  Even a soft blow on a cut on my finger could make the pain go away, or a school project would be completed overnight on my last minute notice.  I felt a jolt in the pit of my stomach as I held the document that Daddy handed me.  All of a sudden, I am made to swallow the sad news that my greatest heroes are humans just like me.  I was coming face-to-face with their mortality. Even with my own, although this doesn't as much bother me compared to realizing that someday, my "Dah" and "Mee-mah" will grow older...and weaker...and even succumb to the  superheroes' final battle (oh, I can't even say it). It is part and parcel of the cycle of life.  It is something all of us have to face and prepare for.  I just never imagined it holding true in my own immediate family. The lease contract burst my bubble.

All my life, I have always tried to be a good child to them.  BUT, all these new thoughts made me feel that I have not done enough. And it's not even as a debt-payback.  It is for the simple reason that they deserve only the best, simply for being themselves.  Time is running.  I still have a lot of work to do. I will love them and serve them unconditionally while I still can (despite faults, occasional temper tantrums, adult memory lapses, the infamous consequences of generation gap, technological ignorance, blunders and all). 

I know that forever will never be enough, but I will try my best while I can, every moment, every second. 

Ma and Da, I'm sorry if I have not done enough. I LOVE YOU BOTH WITH ALL MY HEART. AND THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME.

Let's play!

"We don't stop playing because we get old ... We get old because we stop playing."

— CATHERINE GLENNIE

The Great Wall

Heights don't scare me.  (I may not be as kick-ass as I dream to be but yeah, heights don't scare me).  There's a bunch of technically "less-threatening" things that scare the wits out of me, and that...I am embarassed to tell.

So wall-climbing had been one of the things in my To Do list for a long, long time.  I grabbed the opportunity yesterday as a spur of the moment thing.  I was in muscle-mode anyway, after hitting the gymn with my buddies.

I was so excited as I looked up the wall and I told myself that as a novice, if I reached even half the height of the wall, I'd be so happy.  My friend Raquel agreed to climb with me. She, who is not exactly a big fan of heights and who doesn't dig these stuff, agreed to climb for our friendship.   

We got ready.  My friends Noreen and Angie cheered on and a small crowd started to form below us (yikes!). I was doing quite well until I glanced sideways at Raquel and saw her doing a swift spiderman move and going up like it was second nature to her (hmmm, have you been secretly doing this, gurl?). That's when I paused and started to wonder how I was doing myself and suddenly, I realized I probably sucked  at it.  My confidence faltered, not to mention the tiny, half-a-lemon-shaped, grip-challenged rock mocking me from 80% of the climb.  My right hand kept slipping off it.  I gave up.

Raquel made it to the top.  I'm really happy for her because it's indeed something she never imagined doing.  In our duo, I have always been the action buff while she's the little-miss-lady-like-princess.  It's really quite a humbling experience for me, in a positive sort of way.  Well, I made 75% of the climb which isn't bad.  I'm actually happy with myself. No, I'm ecstatic because I wanted the experience so much more than the goal.  But looking back now, I realized that I should have pushed for the goal as well.  That's why I'm a bit sad for my friends who cheered me on and truly believed in me. 

That wall gave me a lot of lessons...

* Never give up. I kept looking back and thinking, if I had tried harder, would I have reached and touched the goal rock on the top? Maybe.

* When someone with experience talks, it will pay to listen and follow with blind faith.  TRUST. Raquel said this is what she did. She followed her coach blindly.  I was a little stubborn and even questioned what my coach had to say.  See what happened?

*Aim high.  This may sound so cliche but it's true that you can only reach as far as you dream.  I remember telling myself that if I reach half the length, I'll be happy. Apparently, that's mediocre.  Aim for the moon, so when you fall, you will still land among the stars.

*Your REAL friends will be willing to do anything for you. Suffer with you, maybe even die for you...move mountains...conquer their own fears.  Mine will climb walls, hehehe (and pay for my wall-climbing trip ...Thanks Noreen!)

*When you're almost there, don't stop.  It's okay to pause just enough to rest but not too long to lose it altogether.  (*SIGH* I have issues about this...in the next blogs to come...)

*Sometimes, don't think of yourself...achieve things for the others too, who have so much faith in your own capabilities.  Prove them right.  Usually, if they really know you, they know how far you can go.  Yet, this is somewhat contradicting the other cliche that says...Set your own goals and achieve them for yourself.  Don't let others be a pressure. For this, well, to each his own!

*Lastly, practice makes perfect. If at first you fail, try again.

               I can't wait for my next climb.

Non-kitchen Tips from a Chef/Restaurateur

"Give yourself time; it is important.  Burning out is a reality.  Stay healthy and always learn to take a step back.  Take time to figure out the good that you have done, instead of agonizing over what you did wrong."

- Todd English, USA Iron Chef

PS. This guy is a hottie. Hehehe.  As delectable as his dishes and as hot as his oven. Click here to check him out...uhrm...I mean, his recipes...

Nang-nang, ang saya-saya talaga!

Yesterday was a blast.  I spent it with my nieces Monique and Issa and my nephew Carlos.  We went for burgers and potato wedges at HOTSHOTS (I always love the Kamikaze...flame-grilled burger with tons of wasabi on the dressing ***winner!***), I got ice cream for Issa -- she didn't want a burger for lunch but to hell with a balanced meal (yeah right as if a burger is good enough)...it's their day and so I let them get whatever they fancied! We watched "Benchwarmers" and feasted on cheese popcorn and sour cream-flavored potato chips. Then we went to TimeZone, took fun pictures at the photo booth, played all the amusement and video arcade games that WE wanted.  I said we, because I had a say on some of the picks this time, the kid in me just had to be heard too!  Trust me, I went wild!!!  My all-time favorite is Snipershot or well, anything with guns and target-shooting (I'm pretty good at it so don't yah mess with me!).  So yesterday, I really had to keep reminding myself not to get too absorbed in my own game...I HAD KIDS TO WATCH!!!

Anyhoo, it's been a long overdue promise and I'm really glad I finally had this date with them yesterday.  It's fun to be a kid again for a day and abandon all forms of adult issue and worry.  (Hey, your inner child deserves to be pampered and happy all the time!)  I'm happy we had so much fun.  But the best part is, I'm happy they had so much fun!

I'm happy I was able to make them happy!!! (wow, am I saying "happy" a lot?)  Aside from the fact that I have just been re-affirmed that I can still give a mean performance at the Dance Revolution, matching that of a 16-year-old's. I swear, I will never ever stop doing it.

We brought home bags of candy and one teeny weeny stuffed dog. The cost of this date?

Food and Drinks, a Movie, and sky's the limit on reloads of arcade/game swipe cards = PRICEY

3 of them saying...

"Nang-nang (me), ang saya-saya talaga!" = PRICELESS

wAyYy 2 gOo, WPD!!!

My Police Clearance/Certificate has expired and so I had to go back to the Western Police District today.  I needed it badly for my upcoming "date with Uncle Sam".  Last year's procedure had been a breeze.  The staff were polite and accommodating.  In fact, it made me think, "WOW! Amidst the everyday red tape brouhaha that sadly, some government offices are known for, boy was I lucky!". Today, approximately a year after, I must admit I had my fingers crossed on the way to WPD.  I wondered, will they be as nice again?  I know it's pretty mean to have that frame of mind, everyday citizen complaints be damned, but at the back of my mind, I was thinking maybe last year was pure luck.  You know, like suddenly winning the lotto when reality has it that odds aren't in favor of you.

So I got there. They received me well despite the fact that it was half an hour to closing time. They were all smiling and mellow with their explanations.  Unhurried but not lazy.  The kind that gave away an atmosphere of patience and friendliness.  It floored me! I would hate myself if I say I was surprised, because I actually half-expected it. I HOPED for it!!!  I'm just really, really happy to have my expectations validated.  Here is a bunch of people who do not let themselves rot away no matter how out-dated or decrepit the working situations are.

The process was quick because it's just a renewal of the certificate clearing me out from any crime that happened during my 1989-2002 period of residence in Manila.  I overheard one time that if it's quick, perhaps they didn't bother to thoroughly check the records, which is a point against their credibility.  But that's way outside my case because I have already been previously cleared.  And since I have no blood relations whatsoever to Superman,  I do not in anyway possess the ability to go back in time to alter my crime history and to my detriment at that. 

Notwithstanding possible procedural glitches for now, the point is, this select bunch in the WPD has been patient, friendly, polite and accommodating, without asking for anything in return.  Isn't it a source of great joy and hope that there are people who take time to help and go the extra mile?  Surely, they must have been briefed, but the great thing is they live up to good service standards. That's a good start...It's a reason to remain hopeful! I pray that they get contagious enough to infect the other pups in their litter. Or even beyond! I know this may sound pretty mushy right now but I really feel like shouting "MABUHAY ANG PILIPINAS!!!"...Yehey!!!